Lifestyle, My Life, Octoberfest, Writing

Chapter Five: The Makeup (Part 3)

“I believe your exact words were “Because, although it’s obvious you haven’t noticed, I can handle myself” , when I asked you why I should not worry about you because I love you. Do you know how infuriating that is?! That you do not need my worrying, therefore not my love, because that means nothing to you, because you can take care of yourself. Do you know how hurtful that to hear?! To have my love smacked right back into my face. Do you know how that felt? No you don’t! Because you don’t care! You don’t need me or anybody else, Jess. So why are you even here? Why are you even speaking to me? You know how I feel. No one knows how I feel. I opened up to you and I shouldn’t have. Everyone is out for themselves. How could I aspect you to be any different? What you wanted was temporary company. Brooklynn wanted my soul. Lolita wanted my kingdom and power. What is it that you want to take away from me Jess? Brooklynn got my soul. Lolita stole many of my subjects and left me with Shadows. I gave you my heart Jess. What more do you want?”

His eyes looked at her pleadingly. He had lost his cool and broke down to her. A silver tear fell from his eye, before his composure came back to him and he looked stonily at her. He was mad at himself for letting her see him at his weakest. No wonder why she did not want his protection. There was nothing that he could protect her from. He was weak and pathetic. His face crumpled slightly before resuming the cold radiance of an unemotional face.

Jess could not help flinching slightly as his voice rose, but she did not tear her eyes away from him as he continued on with his rant. So people had hurt him before, but others had hurt her as well. Not in the similar sense, but a quite different one she would never share with anyone. She did not even speak until the whole area was quiet for a moment, not wanting to say anything. He was wrong when he stated she did not need anyone, painfully wrong when he stated she did not care about him, his worries or his love. Everything he said about her was entirely true and absolutely false all at once. Why was she here speaking with him? She wanted answers, wanted to know the truth, but more than anything, she wanted to see him. She had been so close to apologizing, too. This probably had a fat chance of happening now. Before, when she was with him, he made her feel alive for maybe the first time in longer than she could remember, but now… now she did not even know what to feel besides coldness and regret. How she always felt.

“I don’t want your soul or your subjects, and what you apparently think how I am and feel about you is stupid.”

She hesitated, finally averting her eyes.

“What I want… it’s obviously not something I can get again.”

His love. Her eyes trailed back to his face, in time to see it change from anguished to emotionless.

“And I’m sorry for that, your past, those idiots that used you. Okay?”

Again, she paused.

“I understand you probably want to take your heart back.”

She added this part quietly.

“Once lost, it can never be recovered. I am soulless, almost subjectless, one power less, and now, heartless. Nothing and no one can change that. Once I give something of myself, I cannot take it back. I am Sith.”

Felix looked up into her eyes with a heated expression.

“I can’t just take it back. I don’t have that kind of power. If you don’t want it…me….then try to give it back, but I won’t take it.”

Felix looked away from her, allowing his face to become impassive once more.

“What do you want, Jess? If what I think about you is wrong then tell me who you are, before it is too late for both of us.”

Jess found herself even more frustrated with this fact, but at the same time relieved, because she really did not want to give his heart back. Even if she could, she did not want to. But this was harder than she wanted to admit. Love was never easy. Realizing she mentally referred to this as love made her pause; as she always believed it was impossible for her to love anyone.

“I want you.”

She finally responded to his question.

“I’m speaking with you because for some reason there’s this ache in my chest knowing I hurt you, and I wanted to apologize but I know that hasn’t done anything because that dull feeling is…still there. I don’t want to be that person who takes your heart and throws it in the dirt. I don’t want to hurt you or pretend that I don’t care for you, because I do care about you…”

She trailed off, because she did not think any of this was helping. In one swift movement, Jess was in his arms as he cradled her. He kissed her neck, delighting in the fact that she was his…forever.

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